...may you find some comfort here...
Depending on the circumstance, I don't always find death to be sad. Death can sometimes be a celebration and represent the passing of one's life on earth to their eternally happy afterlife in heaven. This thought is comforting, especially if the deceased suffered great physical pain on earth, or lived to an old age. But what words of comfort can you extend to a family when their only child commits suicide? How do you stop feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness?
In situations like these, I know it's unfair to let oneself be battered by pangs of guilt but I know everyone is wondering if there was anything more they could've done- especially the parents. After losing as many people in my life as I have, I make it a point to tell those I care about that I love them. But when things like this happen, I'm left to wonder if that is enough. The realist in me let's me know that there probably wasn't much anyone could have done. When someone sinks into the lowest levels of depression and despair, it's often something that only they can get themselves out of. Unfortunately, my dear friend thought her only way out was to end her life.
I've never been very good at exhibiting emotion as a young adult. I am uncomfortable with the tears of others as well as my own. I don't always know what to say and I'm terrible at letting people in. I will say being surrounded by four of the cutest and sweetest kids ever has really helped my psyche in wrestling with this tremendous loss. Looking into their innocent little faces and wrapping my arms around their warm little bodies (along with unhealthy amounts of coloring) has helped me cope with all the thoughts swimming in my head. Niek is sitting on my lap as I compose this entry, drooling on my arm and giggling whenever I make gurgling sounds into his neck. Even though I'm really sad, I can't help but smile whenever I look at him or any of the other three.. even when Pim unleashes grueling rounds of fart ammunition into my arms while I'm holding him.. or when Tijn licks my face (these are his version of lion kisses, so cute!) or when Lara butchers the Enlish language when she tries to sing little songs I'm teaching her. It really helps to have them distracting me and keeping me positive and doing it without even knowing it.
...but apparently I may not be staying here as long as I thought since I just received a letter from the IND (immigration) denying my Visa... ummmmm yeaaaaa. I'll keep you all posted on that one.
Final Thought: love yourselves and each other (don't front like you didn't watch Jerry Springer!).
